Motherhood = Suffering?

Okay, I know it's been a looong time since I posted about childfree issues. This blog has become a place where I've been recording workouts and not much else. But I have several things I wanted to share, and this particular incident will be the first.

DH and I attended a neighborhood party last night. As I think I've mentioned before, we live in a small, fairly affluent neighborhood where there are mostly empty nesters, childfree couples, singles, and a few families with kids. We get together several times a year for parties and the like. Because most everybody knows most everybody else, the neighborhood is an interesting place to live. When we attend parties, DH and I tend to split up so that we can take in as much news and gossip as possible, then we compare notes afterwards.

So, I was sitting with this one girl (well, she's a few years younger than me) chatting away while we dived into the most devine food. She has on occassion complained to me about motherhood, and last night was no exception. She told me her two boys (I believe one is 4 and the other is 2) were being babysat by her husband's cousin. She then started complaining about the cost. Apparently, this cousin charges $10/hour to watch both the kids. So last night cost them $50 just to walk down the street for a party. She said that she hasn't been out to eat in forever because it's usually a $200 deal by the time she adds in the childcare. Then she went on to say that childcare is so expensive that she has to be a stay-at-home mom. Her exact next statement was, "I would love to get a job and have a real life, but with the cost of daycare, it's a wash. So I just have to stay at home with the kids and suffer!" Hmmm....doesn't sound like it's "all that."

Prior to that, I was talking to another young stay-at-home mom who also isn't shy about telling me her trials and tribulations. She has two young girls who are about the same age as the two boys in the previous pararaph. Her childcare arrangements had fallen through, so her DH had to stay home with the girls. While I certainly have no problem attending parties on my own, I'd much prefer to have my DH with me. But at least she didn't have to pay $50 or more for childcare! Anyhow, she told me her younger child is into having meltdowns. Good times! Apparently, they were at the post office the other day and she was having a mega-meltdown. My neighbor was mortified as she tried to placate her daughter enough to get through what needed to be done at the post office and get her out to the car. As she was buckling her kicking and screaming daughter in her car seat, a stranger approached her and bitched her out for being a terrible mother and letting her daughter control her! More good times!

As DH and I were walking up the hill to our home after the party, I relayed the stories. He said, "boy, it must be parenthood bashing night," and then told me he had a similar experience. He had been sitting with "Al and Barb." Barb is an extremely outspoken woman, and some people find her a little abrasive. I always got along with her because I don't mind direct people. Anyhow, she was telling DH that her son and his wife had just had a baby. Instead of gushing, she was DISGUSTED! She said to DH, "these two had the perfect lives.....now they just go and ruin it by having a baby. Why on earth would you do something like that?!" When her husband Al stated, "well, we did," she said, "Yeah, and admit it....it was no picnic. Parenthood is a crock, and I challenge anyone to tell me otherwise. It certainly wasn't a positive in our lives!" Al just laughed, but he didn't disagree.

Three "not so positive" stories in one night....that might be a record!

Oh, the money you'll save PART 2

I did a lot of copying and pasting in this post, and somehow the formatting got really screwed up. I'm not sure where all of the arrows and some of the bolding came from!

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So, recently I posted a poll on a board I frequent regarding the cost of private school tuition. The answers were mind-boggling. Over 25% of the respondents voted that they spent over $10,000 per child per year for tuition. This doesn't include books, fees, or extra curricular activities.

I understand wanting to give your kids the best start. If, despite all of my precautions I became pregnant, our child would most likely be going to private school, too.

POLL RESULTS:

What is your current yearly tuition per child? (Total Votes: 89)

$10,001+ (23 / 25.8%)

My kids go to public school, but I wanted to vote anyway (15 / 16.9%)

I don't have kids at all, but I wanted to vote anyway (14 / 15.7%)

$8,001 - $9,000 (10 / 11.2%)

$5,001 - $6,000 (5 / 5.6%)

$3,001 - $4,000 (5 / 5.6%)

$4,001 - $5,000 (4 / 4.5%)

$6,001 - $7,000 (3 / 3.4%)

My kids are not school-age, but I wanted to vote anyway (3 / 3.4%)

Other (2 / 2.2%)

$9,001 - $10,000 (1 / 1.1%)

$7,001 - $8,000 (1 / 1.1%)

$2,001 - $3,000 (1 / 1.1%)

$1,001 - $2,000 (1 / 1.1%)

Up to $1,000 (1 / 1.1%)

But think about how much money this costs! For a child going from K - 12, it could easily be $130,000 (BASE TUITION!). Then comes college. How do you save for college when you are paying this much for private school?

Here is a tuition schedule from a local private school (admittedly, one of the more expensive ones:

Tuition for the 2008-2009 school year:

Grade	Tuition
K	$14,740
1	$16,180
2	$16,570
3	$16,970
4	$17,220
5	$17,760
6	$18,540
7	$18,870
8	$19,660
9	$20,300
10	$20,880
11	$21,290
12	$22,180

The tuition covers instruction in all courses contained in the regular program of studies. The tuition does not include fees for lunch, instructional materials, and the use of technology.

YOWZA! Over $14,000 for kindergarten?!?!? $22,180 for Grade 12?

I look at DH's and my lifestyle, and I am so thankful for our childfreedom. First, we are able to make well over the national median household income simply because we are able to have more demanding jobs. Second, we have no debt. Nada. There's no way we could do that (regardless of our current incomes) if we were paying for tuition like that. Add on the fact that having kids cost a lot more than just those tuition costs, and you really start to realize WHY those childfree couples can go on awesome vacations, afford better homes, nicer clothes, etc.

Oh, the money you'll save!

Kids are expensive. We all know that. But what makes raising them isn't just the obvious (diapers, formula, baby clothes, kid clothes, tuition, etc.). It's the other stuff, too.

First example of cost savings: On Friday, I saw my neighbor outside. This is the one with the enormous jungle gym and two kids who don't play on it. We had an altercation last May because she had the monstrosity placed less than two feet away from our property line. She refused to have it moved because, says she "technically, it's on my land!" I just want a peaceful existence, so I didn't fight it any further. Anyhow, we do talk to each other when we see each other, and I stopped to say hello.

She started to talk with me about how expensive everything is getting. Now this chick is a pseudo single mom ("ex" husband is listed as co-owner of the house even though he never lived there and he definitely continues to be the wallet and babysitter). The kids have the best of everything, and I don't see her sparing too many expenses.

Anyhow, she starts talking about her electric bill. She asked what ours is running. I told her it was about $70. She gasped and said that something must be wrong with her bill then because hers was close to $300! So I said, "well, DH and I don't run our air conditioning a lot....only when it's really humid. Otherwise, we love having the windows open." I said this because I know she runs hers 24/7, and that's probably why the bill was so high. She said, "oh, well, when you have kids, you can't always do that. Sophie is afraid that spiders will get in through the screens." Huh? You mean you'd rather spend $300 so your kid doesn't have imaginary fears about tiny spiders? We live in the north, for god's sake! I wanted to ask her what her excuse was in the winter, because even on the warmer days, her gas meter is going gang busters.

Our utility bills in the winter are also fairly low as we keep the temperature down and just wear layers. We're never uncomfortable. I'm sure, though, if we had kids (especially babies), we'd have to keep the temperatures a lot closer to 70 degrees. Thus, our utility bills would most likely skyrocket. As it is now, we're comfortable, but we also are a little frugal when it comes to stuff like that. ESTIMATED COST SAVINGS PER MONTH FOR US: $230.

Second example of cost savings: Yesterday, DH and I ate breakfast at Panera Bread. I love that place because it is usually a calm oasis inhabited by quiet adults. DH and I are sitting there with our bagels and fruit chatting about what we're going to do for the rest of the day. All of the sudden, a "mother" (I put "mother" in quotes because she sure as hell wasn't much of one) sits nearby with her two brats (and I call them brats because that's how they were behaving). The kids were running around like lunatics. "Mom" totally ignores them. On the table, their food lies getting cold. I can easily guesstimate that each of these meals would be at least $7/piece. They both ate perhaps two bites. That's $14 down the drain! ESTIMATED COST SAVINGS PER BREAKFAST OUT FOR US: $14.

Third example of cost savings: Vacations. I was just browsing the Sunday paper and came upon an ad in the travel section for New York State. The caption on the ad was as follows: "Good thing the third night's free, because your kids weren't about to chip in." That is almost poetic. Parents and the childfree alike might laugh about that, and the real humor is in the truth. Do people realize how much more it costs when you have four people traveling as opposed to two? Granted, you may all share the same room, but the food, admissions to events, airfares, etc. all add up. However, the biggest price is the cost of your sanity. ESTIMATED COST SAVINGS PER VACATION FOR US: ???? But I know it's priceless.

Does Everybody Know I'm Pregnant?!?!?

Lord, help me. I've often written about my co-worker, "Cathy" who is pregnant. This woman bugs me like no other. She needs to make sure that everybody knows she is pregnant. Of course (as mentioned before), she's not of a delicate size, so it's kind of hard to tell if she's pregnant or if she just upped her already enormous junk food intake.

I rarely sit in the company's lunch room simply for the fact that she is in there, and she makes comments on absolutely everything other people eat. That's so damn irritating. "Oh, Olivia....you're eating Oreos today. Double Stuff?" "Oh, Maria, Nutter Butters AGAIN?" "Emily, you always are eating tofu!" Jill, do you ever eat anything besides chicken salads?" All the while she herself is stuffing her pregnant body with junk. "Oh, but I'm eating for two!"

But that's all besides the point. Today we are sitting there, and there is another pregnant young woman beside me. Somebody at the table talking about moving boxes, and Cathy came right out with, "well Amy and I can't move boxes in our condition!" Um, nobody was asking her to do anything. They were talking about something they were doing themselves. It was just one more, "HEY EVERYBODY....I HAD SEX AND IT TOOK....PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEE!" type of comment.

I never understood women who were so proud of their pregnancies. So, you had sex. So what? Are you pleased that somebody found you attractive enough to do the hokey pokey? That's really not such a big deal. In fact, some men pay for it. Why should the world be excited over your conception? As I see it, you basically failed Birth Control 101. Read the packages better, idiot.

Kids in Restaurants

So, I won't detail everything we did this weekend. Some of it is actually kind of boring (I'm trying to get some studying in for my HR exam, so it's not all fun and games). But I have to mention a dining experience DH and I had this weekend.

We went to a steak restaurant yesterday on an off-hour to avoid the crowds. They seat us next to a large table with a few kids that (we thought) were about ready to leave (otherwise, we would have asked to be moved). However, as DH and I were ordering, we realized that the table hadn't even been served their entrees yet. The mess that was on the table was for appetizers, drinks and tons of kids crap.

Anyhow, during the entire course of our meal, the kids were up, down, running around, screaming, and crying. The mother, father, grandmother, and some of the other adults did whatever they could to placate the bawling brats. Finally (to our great relief), the father picked up two of the misbehaving kids and took them to the entrance area (it was raining, so they couldn't go outside). We could still hear them squawking, but at least it wasn't right next to us. What we noticed is that the father's plate had steak and lobster on it, that was growing cold. When he finally came back, all of the other people were finished eating. He asked for his food to be re-warmed, but just as the plate was being taken away, the kids started back up again. You would have thought the mother might have stepped in and taken her turn, but she was too busy arguing with her MIL.

When the steak/lobster was brought back, they boxed it up to take it to go. I hope the dad got to eat some of those appetizers because he literally didn't have a bite of his entree. The last thing we heard the mother say (as we were leaving the restaurant) was, "they're just fussy because they are tired!" The MIL then said, "but you never even get to enjoy your meal!" No shit! And what about all of the other people whose meals were ruined because you insisted on taking them out!

Seriously, folks....get a babysitter and leave them at home. Even if I wasn't CF, I would be pretty pissed off to pay for a meal at a restaurant when it was being ruined by kids. I'm sure that there were many parents there who had hired a babysitter so that they could enjoy themselves in peace, only to have the meal ruined by other people's kids.

I will NEVER be a Soccer Mom

So, today DH and I decided to take a walk and go out to eat. There's a bike path near by that leads to a main road that has some restaurants. It's a nice hour-long walk (round-trip). The path leads us through some woodsy areas (we always see herds of deer), past a school, a recreation center, and some soccer and baseball fields before we get to the restaurant.

As we are strolling along taking in the spring day, we see all of the kids out on the soccer field (most of them not old enough to even know what they are doing out there) and then notice all of the parents sitting on the uncomfortable-looking bleachers. Wow. What a way to spend a beautiful Saturday afternoon. They looked completely bored, defeated, and like they'd rather be anywhere else but sitting on these splinter-filled benches. There were a few adults that were trying to cheer their kids on....the soccer moms and dads who are desperately trying to live their childhoods once again through their protege. But the biggest majority looked like their eyes were glazed over and like their lives were being sucked out of them. Which, in a way, I don't think is so far from the truth.

DH and I didn't stop. We have absolutely no interest in juvenile soccer (or any sports, for that matter!). As we hurried away, I thought to myself, "Who would choose that life?!" DH, sensing my thoughts, grabbed my hand and said, "Thank God that will never be us!"

Childfree Weekends + Nice Weather = BLISS

No, we didn't take off on a spur-of-the moment trip to a sunny locale. We actually just had a very normal, quiet weekend. Yet, it contrasted significantly from our last weekend when we visited our families. Although we love to visit, we are often surrounded by kids (aka noise and confusion). Still, as "normal" as the weekend was, for some reason I was feeling so grateful and really joyful about it, that it made the weekend that much more special. In looking back through the activities of the weekend, it's obvious to me that having children would make this kind of weekend next to impossible. Here's a quick run-down:

Friday night - Came home and did a 78-minute workout and then folded laundry. While I was doing this, DH was being a real sweetheart and cleaned the house. After we were both done, we hopped in the whirlpool for a long soak. Then we made some popcorn and watched a movie in our loft. Then we settled in for a long, uninterrupted sleep.

Saturday - Slept in. I woke up to DH making breakfast (pancakes and eggs). After eating and cleaning this up, we went outside and laid on the deck for a few hours. Tinky the kitty laid right with us. She loves being outside, but she knows she has to stay right with us. I read a book and also listened to another book on tape. DH listened to his talk radio programs. After that we cleaned up and went out for a good lunch/dinner. We then took a drive to Hinckley Reservation which has a beautiful lake and tons of trails. We walked around the lake which takes just under one hour and then came home. After doing some stuff on our own (he likes to tinker in the garage and outside; I like to surf the internet, read, etc.), we took another soak in the whirlpool and then watched some TV before going to bed.

Sunday - another sleep in. DH is almost always up before me. This time, he made us CoCo Wheats (my favorite), and we got ready for a nice long walk in the Bedford Reservation. It was a gorgeous day, and we really enjoyed it. We came home and I did another workout while he surfed the internet and did some work in the garage. Then we lounged around on the deck (reading, listening to music, and listening to books on tape). We made some burgers, cleaned up the kitchen, and then went outside for some more deck time. DH then decided to go upstairs and take a nap in the spare bedroom while I read the Sunday paper, surfed the net, did some studying, and visited a neighbor. Then together we did some light yard work, cleaning up our beds and getting them ready for a new load of mulch. We then sat on the porch and chatted for awhile. After coming back in, tidying up the house, etc., we watched a movie together and went to bed.

All in all, a very quiet weekend. Maybe some would consider it boring. Yet we both enjoyed it immensely. The best part, for us, was that it was quiet. Even the neighborhood kids were relatively silent. Ahhhh.....BLISS!!!

The High, High Cost of Childcare- Part II

I posted here previously about the cost of childcare. I really didn't know what the going rate for childcare was. Today, however, I read an article that made my eyes pop out. The article was called The Childcare Crisis, and it was on the front page of MSN Money.

• One lady was paying $2,750/month for childcare for her two children. For the math-impaired, that's $33,000. You could buy a new car every year. A pretty nice one!
  
• The author of the article was happy to say that she was "only" paying $900/month for one kid. Hmmm....$10,800/year. That's two or three nice vacations!
  
• Child care for infants is running as high as $14,650 a year and care for a 4-year-old in a licensed center as high as $10,920. Child-care costs have outpaced what the average family spends on food.

Um, yeah. This sounds like something I want to do (not). I can think of a multitude of ways to spend that kind of money. And they're all much more enjoyable than adding a dependent to my life.

Some other (non-related) gems in the article:

• "The cost of child care in this country is one of those little secrets -- like leaky diapers and colic -- that parents just don't share with friends who are expecting." And why do we keep it secret? Maybe the "misery loves company" syndrome? Thanks for not being my friend!
  
• "It's a lot of rock-paper-scissors (to determine) who's going to drop him off and pick him up every day." Wow. Sounds like parents of the year! The article goes on to say that the same couple pays $1100/month for childcare for one child, and they want two more! Hey folks? If you can't afford one, chances are you can't afford three!

Of course, there are child-care credits which are subsidized by the people who have not reproduced. YOU choose to have a kid (or three) and expect everyone else to pitch in! Sounds fair, doesn't it? So quit your crying...I don't want to hear it!

Five Good Reasons to Choose CHILDFREE

Along with my "Five Reasons for Gratitude" posts, I thought it would be kind of neat to post a "five good reasons to choose the childfree lifestyle" post. When I first started blogging in December, I was posting single "not-so-important" reasons like sleeping in. But here are five really important reasons all combined in one post:

1. FREEDOM: This is my all-time most important reason. I'm free to do what I want when I want. I can take a class, take a walk, read a book, watch a movie, work late, sleep late, take a spontaneous vacation, take a nap, go to the bathroom!, spend time on my hair and make-up, shop, surf the internet, go out to dinner, get together with friends, take a drive, go for a bike ride, volunteer, join a club.....you get the picture.....without worrying about childcare. I never have to think of anyone except myself (sounds selfish, but I don't feel guilty). That's not to say that I don't try to coordinate schedules and things with DH. It's just that he's an adult and can take care of himself. And besides, he has many of the same interests, so we do most of those things together (well, not the bathroom bit!).

2. Financial: Kids are ridiculously expensive. All you have to do is read one of those articles that are always on the front page of AOL.com or MSN.com or Money.com. They all tell you the same thing: KIDS REEK HAVOC ON YOUR FINANCES. Well, duh. Just think how much money it costs for formula, diapers, kiddie clothes, kiddie toys, medical care, kiddie food, kiddie furniture, tuition, extra-curricular activities, childcare, bigger toys, more clothes, college tuition, etc. And if you decide you want to stay home with your kids instead of paying for childcare, you are losing a salary. And then when you go back to work, trust me, you won't be starting at the same level you quit at. It doesn't work that way. So yeah, kids are expensive. Especially if you are one of those parents who try to keep up with all of the other parents. See point number 3.....

3. Mommy Wars. Moms (and Dads) today consider child rearing a competition. See my Momzilla post for more details. I can compete with the best of them. But this is one game I just don't care about. When your whole life is tied up in your kid(s) what is left for you? Again, it may sound selfish, but I only have one life. I don't need to spend it worrying about whether or not my kid(s) make it into the right pre-pre-school or do the best on the math test or if they can hit the ball harder than any of the other kids. Thanks, but I'll work on making my life the most joyous it can be. And that doesn't include worrying about if I nursed long enough.

4. Sleep. Worry. Stress. We'll just jam them all together. When your kids are little, you lose sleep because they don't sleep through the night. They wake up t 3:00 a.m. with poopy diapers (oh, dang, I'm limiting this to five reasons), and therefore you need to be awake. So you go through at least a year (if not more) of fragmented sleep. I don't know about you, but I don't do well when my sleep is disrupted. Once they get older, you lose sleep with worrying. Will Johnny do okay on his test? Britney is getting in with the wrong kids. Emma is being picked on my other kids! Could my child have autism? The stress can be overwhelming. Why put this on yourself? Because society wants you to?

5. We don't need any more. Really. There are 6.5+ BILLION people on this planet right now. SIX POINT FIVE PLUS BILLION. When population goes up, quality of life goes down. And I'm all about quality of life. Do we really need to add more people to an already pillaged earth? I thought not.

What I'm Reading (Listening to!) Now

So, I've been in the mood for a little Chick-Lit. I probably need a fix six or seven times a year. Ever since Bridget Jones' Diary, I've been hooked but have been careful not to indulge too often.
I've picked up Momzillas (audiobook) by Jill Kargman from the library awhile ago, and it's been sitting on my TBR pile. I really didn't think I was going to get to it, but I started listening to it Friday. I hate to admit it, but I'm really enjoying it. It underscores a major detriment to me for having kids: Mommy Wars.

Raising kids isn't just about giving birth and bringing them up to the best of your ability anymore. It's all about who has the smartest, best-dressed, most talented, most beautiful child. And the book tries to make it out like this is a Manhattan phenomenon. Trust me, it's not. I see it a lot in my middle-class Midwestern city and in the rural area where I was raised. Parents are desperate to give their kids every advantage that they did not have. Little League bully-parents and competing soccer moms are just the beginning. Getting your kids into the right pre-pre-school so that they have a shot of getting into the right prep school and ultimate the right Ivy League school makes parenthood more and more of a competition.

I noticed how my boss and his wife are players (or pawns) in this game. Both are busy professionals. He is the managing partner of our mid-sized accounting firm. She is a partner in her large law firm. Yet they are so completely wrapped up and involved in their kids' lives it's mind-boggling. They have their kids in the best private girls' school. They are in countless activities which keeps the parents and the nanny running around constantly shuttling the kids from one event to the next. Ice-skating starts at 6:30 a.m., so the kids have be up and dressed and out the door by 6:00. School begins after that. Each exam the kids take seem to be analyzed by the parents and discussed with the teachers. Each disagreement or conflict the kids are having with their friends or rivals is micromanaged. Then the after-school activities are carefully planned so that the children are sure to have every advantage and will ultimately be accepted into the Ivy League school of their choice.

And then what? My bet is that the kids (both girls) will go to the Ivy League schools (racking up boatloads of debt for their parents who make a good buck but seem to keep it spent), work for a few years, and then get married (to the RIGHT men, of course) and then have children. And then they will struggle with the decision of being a SAHM or a working mom. And even if they do decide to work (after that huge investment in their educations), they will exhaust themselves with all that comes with it. The cycle will continue. To breastfeed or not breastfeed? To co-sleep or not co-sleep. To send their babies to daycare or get a nanny? To have them attend pre-pre-pre-school (which will certainly be available by that time).

What's the point to all of this? I guess it's something that I'll never understand. So I'm glad to be out of that kind of competition. Because really, where does it get you? Just one more reason (out of thousands) that it will never be for me.

Kids at funeral homes?

Okay, I've come up with another place where you just shouldn't take kids: FUNERAL HOMES!!!

Today was a weird day. Two people who I work with (one of them my old boss) had elderly parents who passed away over the weekend. Both had their visitations today (at different times). So I left work early and stopped by the first funeral home. I gave my co-worker and his family my condolences on the passing of his father. There were some children present, but for the most part, they were well-behaved and not getting into too much trouble. I didn't even give it a thought actually.

Then DH and I drove an hour and a half to get to the next funeral home. As soon as we walked in, it seemed chaotic. I couldn't put my finger on it because I was too busy talking with my old boss' family members. But after awhile I couldn't ignore it. The deceased woman's great-grandchild who is around eighteen months to two years old was reeking havoc on the very large funeral parlor. The kid would run from one corner to the next while his haggard mother chased after him. The visitation was to take place from 4:00 until 9:00. That's FIVE hours. And I found out they were planning to keep the kid there the entire time!!! Now, I'm not blaming the kid. I certainly wouldn't want to sit still in a funeral home either. But did anyone think that this might not be the best place for an active toddler?

I do have to say this: his presence made the atmosphere not so somber. Watching him out-run his mother to a large bouquet of flowers and pick some of the prime roses off of the stems and then throw them on the floor was a little amusing. But I had to leave when I saw him running full-out towards the casket. I didn't want to witness the potential crash.

The High, High Cost of Childcare

As an addendum to my previous post about Cathy's pregnancy, I wanted to make a quick post about the cost of childcare.

One of the administrative staff mentioned to me that Cathy may be quitting after she has her baby due to the cost of childcare. This, I knew. She then went on to say that she didn't understand why she would quit because her childcare is "dirt cheap." Now, I would question any childcare provider that was "dirt cheap," but that's another story. So I said, "I have no idea what childcare even costs." She replied, "well, Cathy is only paying $25 a day, which is about half the going rate!" Hmmm....that does sound suspect....and very cheap. Until you stop and think about what that means.

$25/day x 5 days/week = $125/week. Not bad.

$125/week x 50 weeks/year (I'm taking off vacations) = $6,250/year. Not chump change, but certainly reasonable.

$6,250/year x 2 kids = $12,500. Okay, now this is getting expensive.

So, the question remains: Would you quit a $40,000 (approximately) / year job so that you could stay home with your kids and save $12,500? I probably would, but the difference is, I could. Although I don't really know what Cathy's husband makes per year, I get the impression it isn't a lot since she's always complaining that they are broke. My DH doesn't pull in a huge sum, but I could definitely quit my job and stay home without too much fuss (but we're also close to being completely debt-free). Now, putting two kids into the mix....oof! That might get a little tight. And doesn't sound like a hell of a lot of fun.

Then there is the other internal battle: do you want somebody else essentially raising your kids? I'm sure I wouldn't, yet I'd have a heck of a time not having a career. What I do is part of who I am. It would be very difficult for me.

Now, Cathy is not exactly career-minded. And I don't fault her for that. The problem with Cathy is that she continuously berates those people who are. She also complains that the same people have more than she does. I don't understand why it's so hard to figure out why!

So, with this additional baby comes additional burdens. I'm sure she won't be the only one suffering, however. She'll try to pull the rest of us down with her.....

It's been confirmed....CATHY IS PREGNANT!!!

OMG, the eagle has landed! Cathy has confirmed her pregnancy! She did this in typical fashion by telling our (rabidly) childfree office manager (her boss) that she would like to show her some pictures of her "new little friend." She then proudly displayed some ultrasound pictures. Susie (the rabidly childfree office manager), tried to quell her excitement, but it was useless. Susie is sooo hoping that this will cause Cathy to quit her job. However, Cathy was sure the excitement was due to her tidings of great joy. Hilarious!

But now the bad part: We're in for NINE LONG MONTHS of attention whoring. OY! More to come, I'm sure.

True Mom Confessions

Do you ever question your decision to be childfree? Do you ever sit there and think to yourself, “hey, my life doesn’t seem to have much meaning….I think I need to have a child in my life!” No? ME EITHER! (SNORT!)

But seriously, if you do happen to be on the fence and need a gentle push towards the childfree direction, all you need to do is take a look at the True Mom Confessions website. This is a site where mothers can make their anonymous confessions about what motherhood is really like. In fact the tagline they use is: “Motherhood is Hard. Admit It.”

Is there anyone out there who doesn’t know motherhood is hard? After browsing the site, I’m thinking there must be a huge population of those kinds of people. Did they never babysit? Did they not have younger siblings or nieces/nephews, younger cousins, etc.? Did they truly think it would all be Kodak moments?

Anyhow, an interesting feature of the site is they have a “me too” option where others can show that they felt this way too, or that they agree.

Here’s a small sampling of some True Mom Confessions. Then you can decide if “it’s all worth it!”

01.22.08 4:44a
Why did I choose this life again?????
me too
(5)

01.22.08 1:48a
it has been over three years since I have been able to have even a single block of uninterrupted time for things I enjoy. My eldest is twenty eight months. I feel like a zombie. Just a few hours. Thats all I ask. Even just one night of worthwhile uninterrupted sleep. Or an hour of carefree me time. Why is she crying when I'm the one whos life sucks? Gotta go.
me too
(4)

Wow, a little anger here:

01.21.08 9:00p
What I say when hanging out with my teenagers-I guess I am going to finish reading my self help book and then go to bed. I love you guys........ What I feel when hanging out with my teenages-STFU! I wish you could go 30 minutes without compaining about something you don't have. I have busted my tail to get you the little extra things I never had at your age and I don't nag you too much about your sucky grades. You are an ungrateful little &^*# with a bad attitude and you have no idea how much life you have sucked out of me and your father. It doesn't bother us too much that you seem to hate us because when you are finally out of the house we plan on starting a new life and it does not include you so don't even think you can just come back home. I love you but I don't like you at all. Now I am going to bed because your constant whining gets on my freakin nerves
me too
(9)

01.21.08 7:19p
I want to be able to take a dump without an audience, eat my breakfast while it's still hot and when it's still considered "time" for breakfast, have an orgasm with DH -- not always with my vibrator and to read my book in peace.
me too
(21)

01.21.08 7:08p
I love my daughters. My 4 month old is the sweetest, smiley faced little person ever. My two year old is bright, beautiful and a joy. When the two year old is stuck on broken record (i.e. Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, what are you doing? ) and the 4 month old has a case of the don't-put-me-downs, followed by a crying jag that renders her red-faced and hoarse, I just want to scream at them SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.
What's wrong with me?
me too
(18)

01.21.08 6:35p
Dear Universe,
Please give me the strength to cope with my kids. I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall every single day. I say things out of anger and frustration that I'm sure will cause considerable damage to their development. But what about my own development? I'm stunted. Stuck. I swear, I'm trying to do my absolute best. It just doesn't ever seem good enough. Ever.
me too
(11)

01.21.08 6:02p
I love my children, I really do. But sometimes I find myself thinking how much easier things would be if I hadn't had them and then when I think that I feel guiltier than hell because of how many women want to be mothers and can't. I really do love my kids, I think I just need a break!
me too
(15)

01.21.08 3:23p
This is not what I thought it would be.
me too
(15)

01.07.08 8:41p
I envy the childfree. I wish I were one of them.
me too
(43)

12.17.07 7:25a
Why didn't I just go with my gut instinct and not have kids? I really, really, really love them, but if I hadn't had them in the first place, I would be so much happier. I would have time, freedom, and money. I would actually have a LIFE. I had told my husband I wanted to be childfree, but he didn't believe me. Now I'm STUCK! I'm bored, tired, depressed, and jealous of those not in the smae mess I'm in.
me too
(15)

Co-Worker Pregnant?

So, one of the big topics of conversation today at work was, "Is Cathy pregnant?!"

Cathy works as an administrative assistant in our firm. She isn't the most pleasant person, and she isn't well liked. Cathy tends to be a very jealous sort of person and loves to make cutting remarks anytime she gets the chance. One of the other reasons she isn't liked is that she's a complete attention whore. She has one young child currently, and believe me, everyone knew every single detail of THAT pregnancy. And honestly, nobody really cared.

It's been rumored that she got sick of people fawning over all of the other pregnant women within the firm (we had a rash of them), and she did everything she could to get pregnant during that same time....and she succeeded. She was completely pissed off when nobody cared. Yeah, we ended up having a shower for her (which nobody really wanted to attend). And she (being her normal bad-mannered, low-class self) complained that she didn't get certain gifts she registered for ("What am I going to do with all of these diapers?!") and waited about 2 months to bother sending thank you cards.

So, after her baby was born she mentioned that they were going to try for another one. This is the person who is always complaining about the fact that they are just scraping by. This is also the person that complains anytime she hears that I (or any of the other childfree people in the office) am/are going to Hawaii, Cancun, a cruise, etc. Her favorite words are "must be nice!" Yeah, sweetheart, it IS! Choices, baby, choices.

The great thing is that she mentioned that if they have another baby, she wants to come back and work only four days a week. Because of the nature of her position, this simply isn't an option. So she said she would probably have to quit. We were fine with that and have eagerly been awaiting a baby bump!

It's been almost two years of trying, and we think they finally succeeded. Unbelievably, she hasn't announced it to the world. Yet, we know she has doctors appointments lined up, she stopped smoking, and she's stopped drinking coffee. She' a large girl, so you might not notice a bump for awhile. In fact the last time she said she was pregnant, I didn't believe it because she never looked it. She carries a lot of weight in her gut, so it was never obvious.

This is probably one of the first times I'm glad to hear that somebody is pregnant. And it's because I really don't like her. What does that tell you about my thoughts on pregnancy/child-rearing? I guess I'd only wish it on my enemies!

Childfree Survey

Help a fellow childfree person out!

Go to Childfreedom to get details on a survey regarding your feelings about being childfree. The results are going to be used in "Firecracker Mandy's" master thesis. This is for childfree women only.

How Does She Do It?

I was in our company's conference room last week having a meeting with one of our consultants. In walks "Mary," who has an important position within the firm. I like Mary. She's a lot of fun and has one of the most contagious laughs you ever heard. Yet Mary looks like a total wreck. And I mean total. It's very difficult to get an executive position in a lot of companies (ours included) when you don't look the part. She was able to do it as she has the unique qualifications and there was some demand for her position. But day after day, week after week, she looks haggard, tired, and frumpy. She wears no make-up, her clothes are a wrinkled mess, and her hair is shades of Napoleon Dynamite. Even my boss (the CEO) has made comments to me about it. She's my age...and looks about ten years older. Still, this isn't a post about her looks.

Mary has five kids. Five. Under the age of seven. She has an important, extremely demanding position within the firm....and five kids. She came into the conference room to chat, and got to talking about her darlings. Now, you would think that because I'm a childfree woman, I'd have no interest in hearing about kids. And although it isn't my favorite subject, I still find it a little interesting. If only to compare the different lifestyles. She held us captive for at least a half hour. Listening to some of her trials and tribulations made chills of fear go up and down my spine. NOTHING about her personal life sounded like fun. Nothing.

After she left, the consultant I had been meeting with turns to me and says, "Five kids! How does she do it?" Unsaid, but on the tip of my tongue was, "A better question would be: WHY does she do it?"

Seriously. The woman has an MBA, certifications up the wazoo, a six-figure salary, and spit-up on her sweater. When she goes home at night from here extremely stressful job, she goes home to her extremely stressful home life. There is no rest for this woman....ever!

She called me at home one night. She was having trouble with one of her employees, and it was bugging her. I honestly don't mind getting calls at home on off-hours as long as it doesn't get out-of-control. Sometimes it's easier than discussing them at work. Anyway, she calls me around 8:00 p.m., when I'm laying on the couch listening to some classical music and reading a book. I pick up the phone and hear what sounds to be a zoo in the background. Our conversation might have lasted ten minutes.....and the entire time she was trying to get her kids to behave. It was horrible. I cannot imagine living like that. Really--WHY would you want to do this? I'm not sure we'll ever really know the answer.

Why DO you have kids? It's just what you do!

I get asked the following questions on an all-too-frequent basis:

1. Do you have kids? (My answer: No, we don't have any.)
2. Why don't you have kids? (My answer: Neither of us want them.)
3. Well, WHY NOT?!?!??!

This last question may deserve a long discussion (and I'm peppering my blog with the many reasons that I am glad to be childfree). Yet sometimes it's better to answer a question with another question:

WHY DO YOU HAVE/WANT KIDS?

To date, anytime I asked this question, I never understood the responses. I guess they just never made sense to me. Here are some of the responses I've heard (none of which seemed a very good reason to take on a 20+ year commitment which translates into a life sentence in my opinion):

• I didn't want to be lonely. (Well, get some friends.)
• I heard my biological clock ticking. (Really? Is that a real reason? Eventually, if you don't keep winding them, clocks stop ticking.)
• Babies are such a blessing! They are so cute! (Umm....you do know that they don't stay babies, right?)
• I needed to carry on the family name! (Dude, your last name is "Jones." I think your lineage is safe.)
• It's just what you do!

Ah. That last "reason" deserves a little extra attention. It's just what you do! Is it? Who has made this rule? Society? Do you need to do only what is expected by society? Are you a sheeple? This is the "reason" that always gets stuck in my craw. I guess I don't see the necessity of following convention when this form of convention causes a lack of freedom, financial distress, and overall misery.

I can give you some very good reasons why I am childfree. None of which include "It's just what you do!"

Reason #2 That I Love Being Childfree

Here's another one of those reasons that might not seem so important on the surface, but are priceless when you think about it.

DH and I are invited to a New Year's Eve Party tonight. Since the time we received the invite, we couldn't figure out if we really wanted to go or not. It's in our neighborhood, so no driving is necessary. It's fairly casual, so I don't have to go out and buy something special to wear. Our only hesitancy was that we enjoy vegging out at home together so much and prefer it to going to parties. In the end, we decided that we will go at least go for awhile. We don't want to appear antisocial, and we really do like most of our neighbors.

What does this have to do with being childfree? The fact that we never once had to consider who was going to take care of the kids! It's something that never even enters our mind. Most people I work with or am acquainted with have to worry if they will be able to get a babysitter, and then, if the ARE successful at securing one, they are paying 3x the going rate just because it's New Year's. So typically New Year's parties are out of the question. As are a lot of other events.

We live about 150 miles from our families. There is no one around that we could "just drop the kids off with" (even though I'd never expect my parents or siblings to be babysitters anyway). That's one of the complications that we just did not want to have in our lives. We are free to go anywhere we want anytime we want and not give it a second thought. It always amuses me when I see a couple at a party or out to dinner and the cell phone is attached to (usually) the wife's ear while she tries to figure out if the kids are alright. Ugh! They can't even enjoy the themselves! No, thankyouverymuch. So, there is Reason #2 That I Love Being Childfree!

Reason #1 That I Love Being Childfree

Okay, this isn't the most important reason . . . not even close. But it's one of those little moments that make you say to yourself, "hmmm, I'm sooo glad I don't have kids."

It's called SLEEPING IN! Or as the British call it, "a good LIE IN."

It's Saturday, and the weekends are wonderful for this. I'm not much of a morning person. I take that back. During the week, I like to get up early and get things done....get all of the work out of the way. But I try to get as much of my work done as possible before the weekend so that I can just do whatever I want then....which includes sleeping in.

I was awoken this morning at 9:45 a.m. not by screaming kids or cartoons blaring but by my DH (who IS a morning person) who came back into the bed to cuddle for a bit and tell me that breakfast is almost ready. Got to love that man.

I really don't understand how parents do it.....or why they want to do it. Getting up early on a Saturday morning to drive your offspring around to whatever practices or activities they are involved in, and then sitting through the mind-numbing practices or activities, and then driving them back seems, well, not so fun. I'd much rather be in my warm, soft bed, and leisurely get my day started.